No one asked me, but after twenty-five years of living an out-loud-and-proud butch/femme lesbian relationship, I’d like to share a few things I’ve learned with the new young wave of Sapphics identifying that way.
Femmes: Butch energy is not masculine energy, but people redefining themselves as butches may have trouble separating themselves from it until they know themselves better. If your butch treats you with any shade of toxic masculinity, call her out right then with a sardonic smile and challenging shrug. Don’t wait a day or two, sulking with hurt feelings while she grows defensive. Butches understand and respect emotional honesty, and it’s much safer to tell them how you feel than any man. The single word, “Ouch,” said with enough emphasis, will get a sensitive butch to rethink what she just said or did.
Flip side of this coin: PRAISE the hell out of her for everything that’s honest. If she’s a wonderful kisser, sigh in her arms and tell her so. If she fixed the sink like a pro, (and it’s fiscally responsible) let her decide how to spend the saved money. If your masc woman races to your rescue, reward her and call her your ‘shero’. Reinforce the butch parts of her personality you find endearing.
Butches: You don’t have to live up to anyone’s standards but your own. Take your time and try different ways of expressing yourself until you settle into your own unique style. And yeah, you can fix a lot of stuff, but you don’t have to fix everything. Unlike men in the patriarchy, you’re free (encouraged, even) to ask your woman for advice and help.
The flip side of this: She doesn’t have to live up to your expectations, either. Yes, she’s femme and dresses/acts/looks just like your mom/sisters/friends/, but she is NOT straight. She’s as woman oriented as you are, worried she won’t fit in anywhere, and afraid no one will ever understand her. A femme needs her own safe space to live and breathe. Be that for her.
Because it’s not only straights, too often butches also question, even challenge, femme lesbianism. For us (just like for you), it’s not a fling, experimentation, or whim, and passing (going unrecognized) because you don’t have an identifying look is not a blessing.
An insecure butch may ask her femme once, early in their relationship, “Why be visibly gay being with me, when you could pass as straight?” This is your one free shot, bud, so put aside your baggage and LISTEN to her answer, accept it as her truth, and never ask again.
Likewise, there’s a question femmes may only ask once; “Would you rather be a man?” Listen as they explain who they are, and the same rules apply. Ask only if your insecurities won’t give you peace, believe her answer, and accept and take it to heart as her truth.
I’ll offer one last piece of advice worth exactly what you pay for it. There’s an irritating situation faced by most butch/femme couples sooner or later:
Sometimes straights, even fellow LGBTQ+ folx, will be thoughtlessly rude and say something like, “Masc/fem pairings are a heteronormative derivative, so as a fem you must enjoy playing the traditional woman’s role, letting her be the man of the house.”
I’ve tried several responses, and this has been the most effective. “I don’t know how many rules you have at your house, but at ours there are only two: first one up makes the coffee and washes the toys; second one up makes the bed and puts them away.” They usually blush, laugh, and shut up.
I’ll leave it at that.
